katie shaw ficker

By the time I was 24 years old, I had left my family, sold all I owned (although this really isn’t saying much), moved to a new country, was adjusting to life in the middle of nowhere in the midst of a culture extremely different from the one I knew, lived with a family I had never met before, married their oldest son, and moved into a three room house attached to a hangar that had one bed, a kitchen table, a stove, and no electricity. And there were some difficult days during those times.

But none of them compared to motherhood.

Breastfeeding and the postpartum period were beyond a wake up call to me. Before Anna was born, I was completely confident that I would be back in clinics when Anna was a week or two old (I know, insert hearty laughter by all who have ever experienced caring for a baby during the first six weeks of life…); I never would have guessed that instead that time period would be spent completely exhausted, very hormonal, a nervous wreck, sore, and extremely desperate, usually sobbing my way through trying to get my tiny little 5 1/2 pound baby to latch on and eat. It was a huge blow to my pride and my self-confidence. Everything I had ever known to be true was being questioned, and I was beginning to realize that my life was about to become totally unrecognizable.

However, the biggest shock of all came not from the work load or the realization that even if I got back to my pre-pregnancy weight, my hips would never again fit into those cute little jeans I had bought the New Year’s before I got pregnant for the first time, but from the realization that the responsibility of loving on, caring for, teaching, and continuously giving and giving and giving to this baby was never ever ever going to go away! She may even grow up, move out of the house in a timely manner, get married, have her own children, and be a successful, healthy human being… but I will still spend my days (and nights!!) carrying the responsibility of being her mama.

And that is what you can never explain to anyone who has never had children.

Because it ruins your world completely… but in the best way imaginable. And it will change you into a person you never even knew you could be… but in the most beautiful sense of the word change ever. And – if you let it – It can truly be one of the greatest things you will ever experience on this earth.

But – if you let it – it can be one of the most burdensome, fearful, anxiety-induced things you will ever experience on this earth as well.

It was easy for me to get over my personal fears (especially about myself) in all of the changes that I outlined in the first paragraph. But to hold the weight of someone else’s life in your hands can be overwhelming in the most profound sense of that word… and it will bring out fears that you never even dreamed of before… especially in today’s American age.

Are they gaining enough weight? Are they gaining too much weight? Suzy’s daughter knew how to count to ten by the age of 18 months, and mine is 3 years old and can only count to 5… sometimes. When do I start them in ballet… or soccer? What if my son wants to be in ballet and my daughter wants to be in soccer? Do red skittles really cause cancer? How in the world will I afford all these car seats?? How do I raise them in this Guatemalan culture, but still allow them to know their American roots? How much do we go “home” to the States, when “home” is starting to become Gautemala more and more? Will I really be able to home school my kids? How do I help point them to Jesus in the day in and day out activites? Will they turn out okay??

So, one night as I was laying there in bed, by husband’s Bible open in my lap because I was too lazy to go get mine in the other room, thoughts of worry for my children – born and unborn – running through my head, I stumbled across this verse… which my husband had actually already highlighted. (He usually ends up being light years ahead of me in these things…)

Isaiah 8:12 Do not think like everyone else does. Do not be afraid that some plan conceived behind closed doors will be the end of you. Do not fear anything except the Lord Almighty. He alone is the Holy One. If you fear him, you need fear nothing else. He will keep you safe. (emphasis mine)

Wow. I have found that at the end of a day where I am ready to pluck my eyeballs out of my head and all I can remember is yelling at my children way too much, there is nothing like falling back into the arms of love and grace that our God and Savior offer us. But I have also found that in light of always coming back to grace and mercy, I have had the tendency to make my God a very small god who is only out to make me feel loved and good about myself, when in fact He is also very much a Holy and Almighty God that rules over this world with a Truth way beyond our small understanding.

It hit me like a ton of bricks. It was spelled out so clearly. Fear God and you don’t need to fear anything else. Obey His ways, teach your children His ways, listen for His voice, strive for holiness and purity before Him. While His grace is a beautiful reassuring thing, it is actually His Holiness, His majesty, His strength and Almighty power that was allowing me to hand my children back to Him (really, I don’t know why I thought they were mine to take from Him in the first place…) and trust Him completely. How proud I had become to think that I could solve all these problems and raise these children in my own strength and wisdom… and how small I had made this Magnificent Creator God in the process.

We were created to fear something… just as we were created to love something. And parenting lives in the reality of that Truth like nothing else on earth does. But, if we are not careful to make sure that the direction of our love and fear are ultimately consumed in a Holy and loving God, we will find ourselves consumed by every other fear out there… just as we will find our hearts destroyed by every other thing we try to find perfect love in besides Him. We have a God who loves us and our families more than we could ever in our human minds imagine. And we have a God who is more holy and powerful and in control than we could ever in our human strength seek to be.

So, let yourself sleep well tonight. You have an amazing God fighting for you and those you love right now if you will seek out His ways above your own. Because He knows what you and they need more than you ever will. Remember…

If you fear Him, you need fear nothing else – including red skittles, the cheaper car seat, the dirt your son just put in his mouth, what others think, birth and the postpartum period, raising your children in another country, their intelligence level and likes and dislikes… to name a few. He will keep you (and those you love) safe.